Monday, May 25, 2015

Talking about my girl.




This post was due a good year and a bit back. This post was supposed to be my epitaph for Cookie-Brown. But I could never get myself to write it. What's more to say. She left way before her time and stranded all who lived with her, in this terrible state of disarray and an emotional mess. We took our own individual times to crawl through what we thought would be a never-ending struggle to even think of her and not burst into tears and a box full of memories that would take hours to close. I saw photos of this girl as a puppy and thought she was a little white mouse, with the cutest ears. She then lived for a few years with not much company. And then for the last year of her life, she lived with a bit too much company, i.e., us. We were a circus to her and the first time she came home, I didn't know what to do really. She sat near the door with eyes pleading to run away while Lola-bear sniffed her like a piece of steak. It took her about a month to get attached to me and when I mean attached, she was puppy-attached. Lola-bear used to be like that as a puppy. Follow me around like a tail though Lola-b used to do it with hopes of food. Cookie-b used to follow me with this unwritten self-rule that she had to be my shadow. She and Lola-bear became the best of friends, and at a good time too, because Charlie started behaving like a lone wolf. He wanted nothing to do with the rest and looked at them like they were 'animals' amongst us humans. Mind you, Cookie-brown looked at the other two like they were 'animals' too and when stern instructions to either 'leave the room' or 'no begging' were given, she'd turn to them like she was part of the commanding team. She never understood it meant her too and we finally gave up with that conversion.

Last mother's day photo

I got a call telling me that Cookie-brown was ill that day. I thought it was a big over reaction. I came home and saw the vet's assistant already besides her saying it wasn't looking good. I looked at her and she looked frail but not the worst I could imagine. I sat with her for about 7 hours. I made her listen to my favourite country songs, read her books and even wrote her a letter. Like I would to someone who was just ill. I hate reading that letter now. Though I sounded really convinced that she was getting better, it ended with my optimism fading with every sentence.

All it took was just a minute from her coughing, then coughing blood, and getting minor fits while she lay right beside me and died.
I never had anything die in front of me before. I've had birds and guinea pigs and turtles but their bodies were neatly tucked away while I was told the bad news. Infact I didn't realise how little roadkill I've seen until I did notice once and the whole car tried to convince me it wasn't even an animal. I've been shielded away from death since forever and I always imagined me being pretty much listless on hearing about it judging by my emotionlessness with every sad movie or song.
How wrong I was.
It was as if the whole world had collapsed and every organ in my body fused into a thick slurry of liquid coal, that stayed in my chest. I held her body so tight like she would come back to life if I just held her long enough and tight enough. I was a fucking mess.
(here is why I know why I put off writing this post for so long. It's currently the only thing in the world that get me to tears every single time I talk about it in detail)
*pause*


The vet said Charlie just IS a sole-mate. Lola-bear was growing up and he was reinforcing his bossiness. She didn't have a mate and needed one. So after many a month, P adopted the naughtiest dog ANYONE's seen till date, Lana-brown who is currently eating Lola-bear's brains daily. Charlie lives with me, happily being the sole furry, while occasionally getting forced to interact with his furry types. I visit Lola-bear and Lana-brown when I can too. My girl's grown so big!

Cookie-brown died in May last year. This was her first death-anniversary and I can honestly say it feels like it's been 5 years. I always think about how when I first got her, I pretty much didn't have a life at all because handling three dogs alone was more than anyone's day can handle while also working as much as I could. But when I look back now, I can't have been happier to have let that beautiful perfect dog snuggle into my life, even though I got to spend only one beautiful year with her that will leave me memories for the rest of my life.

The last photo of Cookie-brown and me together.










(*Cookie-brown died due to a rare genetic condition)

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